March 25, 2008 - Cal is Dead.

[Donovan NightWolf]

My heart pounds within my chest and my eyes refuse to stop shedding tears. I found something out tonight that had completely shattered my world... Cal is dead. Dead! He left me a note, and now I understand why my search for him has been fruitless - he is dead. Oh God, I can barely breath and I can’t see how I can go on. He always thought I didn’t need him, he always thought I could be alright without him, but I -never- am! Never. He is everything to me. My hands refuse to stop shaking, I can barely steady this pen. I never got to say the things I truly wanted to say, and I’ll never get the chance to know if he would have ever accepted my proposal of marriage. There are different kinds of love in this world. But there is a kind of love that eats your soul... a love that makes you feel like the world will end any moment. I know Cal loved me, as I loved him, but I’ll never know how much... to what extent. I hurt. I hurt so bad.... I cannot go on! I was in disbelief at first reading the words inscribed by Cal, my mind didn’t want to accept the painful truth. How can someone take something like that in? But it finally did sink in, slipping through the shattered fragments of my recoiled mind. Why Cal? Why did you end your own life? He had said his goodbye. I wonder how difficult it was for him. The end to my story is drawing near, I know myself too well, I know I will end it - to escape the blinding pain of knowing he no longer walks this earth... that his beautiful, haunted face will never grace my presence again. To never be able to touch him, speak with him... My beautiful demon with an angel’s grace... I will always love you, even in death.